Rutland 29th – 31st June 06
Staying at the Old Plough, Braunston in Rutland (01572 722714) B&B £30/head/night
Up for it were Spikelet, Yup, Mr Tahoohigh, Dan the man, JayCee, Jacko, Tiger Tim, Chris ‘Flash’ Jackson, Keithee I’m up for it, Stubbee, Mid-week Tone, Granpop Bill, Pedro and Dashing.
Them woz the days when we used to slip off in a small group, pick an area on a map and make up the walk as we went along and eventually stop off somewhere for a well earned pint when we’d finished. Not any more, now we’re into organised push-bike rides with refreshment stops, brewery trips, curry night outs, and b&b’s. Whatever next?
During the organisation of this one I must point out that I asked Mr Tahoohigh if he’d sorted out sleeping arrangements, but he wonner interested. ‘More fun not knowing eh’. He was right of course, just ask Jacko and Mid week Tone!
So, come 12 noon, a mass exodus from the offices began with JayCee being picked up along with his 20cu.m luggage case who was waiting in the service road. He’d packed large tins of sun cream and bum cream (for the after-effects of the biking of course) and was overloaded.
The brewery trip had been arranged for 3pm so with the driving time to Rutland being less than 2 hours, and a noon start, there was just time to check out a Camra guide listed pub, The Harboro Hotel at Melton Mowbray on route. Keithee and Jacko were flashed and readily agreed to stop off for a swift’un
The hiring of bikes had been arranged from some hire shop near Rutland Water. As it happened, it wasn’t the one we turned up at on the day, but that’s neither here or there. Tiger Tim took his own racer and 2 other three-wheelers were taken; which were fixed to the rear end of Mid-week Tones car. A number plate was of course fastened around them to ensure compliance with the regulation changes made back in 1972, which Pedro reminded us of. This was reassuring until he happened to notice it was the wrong colour!! Luckily, he changed the subject when an array of flashing chevrons beamed out around the bends near Melton. He was in ecstacy.
Directions were obtained from Hayley, adorned with tattoos and studs and a pram, who we held up on a pelican crossing she was attempting to cross. Good old Hayley.
Most had arrived in sufficient time to sample a pint at the digs before the short leg to the brewery. The ‘cooking’ ale was on tap; one of the ales we would be sampling again no doubt at the brewery. Spike was due to arrive at 6ish and Chris J was due the next morning for the walk only.
Arriving at the digs, suitably refreshed, we had 5 minutes of throwing our gear into the rooms before being picked up by the taxis. Our female driver, who was from Rhodesia incidentally, confirmed that Mr Tahoohigh had been fibbing about the lack of Indian restaurants and that there was only a Chinese restaurant in Oakham. He hadn’t anticipated the resolve of Yup who was on the case. There were in fact several Indians, Italians and others within the local area !! As we made our way to the brewery Pedro lectured us on the advantages of correctly engaging one’s seat belts. Belt up Pedro.
‘Springtime’ was slurped on arrival at the Grainstore brewery before a video and the tour.
Roland was our guide, the master brewers and second in command being unavailable. JayCee wandered around carrying his half-finished pint that he had brought from the digs. A selection of bulbs in a tub were spotted, presumably for making the lighter ales?? Dashing asked when the dash went in the mash and whether the splash went before the dash? Get real !!
At the end of the tour, several jugs of different ales were poured for us as we sat in a group at the end of the bar mulling over the varied tastes and flavours. Pedro stayed on the ‘black panther’ mild which proved to be the weakest beer on tap. Nipples were on hand and available to anyone who wanted a taste of the real stuff the following day. JayCee however, so excited over his nipples, had jumped the gun and opted for his free pint straight away.
The hunger pangs were beginning to gnaw away so Dasher requested more monkey nuts to keep us going. It just gave us enough energy to take our first stroll around the town where we located the Indian and pre booked it for the following night.
Back near the station we took taxis back to the digs, excitingly looking forward to exploring the rooms, and more particularly the bed arrangements. Four, it appeared, had single beds in the 1050 room; Keithee, Spikee, Stubbee and Dashing. Pedro, JayCee and Yup were in 3 singles in the Panther room on the ground floor. Sounds like Big Brother this. Jacko was in the diary room, or should that have been Yup who was busy taking notes again. Tone and Tim were in the same room, but with only a double bed to share decided they’d have to sleep top to tail. Jacko had opted to sleep separately from Keithee to get some zzzzzz’s but then realised he could be sharing a double with Granpop Bill. Bill said he could take the rough with the smooth but eventually a ‘Z’ bed was found for Jacko which he erected in Tiger Tim and Mid-week Tones room, the beast. Incidentally, Joe and Danny shared a double room.
After the excitement had died down we strolled down to The Blue Ball, where Steamy Billee’s ale was available. Pedro rang home on someone else’s phone yet again! He’d put a fiver credit on his mobile but had forgotten to bring it ! derrrr. Sitting on the decking in the garden Mid-week Tone’s nipple was raffled off, as the following day he was going home directly after the walk and would miss a return to the Grainstore. The bidding was furious; beginning at 52p, then raised to 60p, then 61p by JayCee. Pedro raised the stakes even higher to a £1 declaring that he would donate his bid to his favourite charity if he won. In came JayCee again with £1.20 followed by a £1.30 offer from Stubbee, then £1.35. Again JayCee raised the anti but eventually the hammer came down on Pedro with £2. The air was filled with relief, trumpeted around in 5.1 Dolby surround, and all caught on the cctv cameras strategically aimed in our direction. Strangely enough, there was no-one else was outside except for the house martins and bats which had caught a whiff and had fallen to the floor!!
Off the catwalk and back to the digs, Pedro ordered up the largest cheese and bread board ever seen. What a delightful end to the day. Well done Pedro and cheers! How well it went down with the whisky chasers…mm…..mm.
Time for bed and much needed snoozes before the big ride tomorrow. We switched the lights off but were immediately surrounded by a bright fluorescent glow emitting from Pedros bright yellow glass case, outshone only by the bright pink flowers on his flowery pyjamas. This was only bettered marginally when JayCee dropped his kegs to reveal a pair of long johns which were even longer than his kegs, complete with turn ups and creases ……….how could it be??
JayCee had neatly piled his coins up Scrooge-like. Tremors throughout the night tumbled it to the floor on many occasions, or so he was informed by Pedro, but on each occasion JayCee would rebuild his little Pisa and become more and more paranoid about the tremors. Jacko had thrown his wallet and valuables against the bedroom wall but missed and unwittingly threw them out of the window. Lucky for him it was so light it had floated back in the breeze and landed on the ledge
After finally getting to sleep, we were woken by the loudest rasper ever heard from Pedro, displacing the slats in Jacko’s bed upstairs. An alarm call 6 hours too early. Morning finally arrived and according to Keithee who was absolutely amazed, Spike had let off the longest rasper ever heard on the planet. Amazingly, it had gone on and on for hours. But was it louder than Pedro’s!! A competition may be on the cards. To the rest they were just glad the synchronised snoring from Spike and Keithee had ended. During the night, Jacko’s bed had collapsed several times. The tremors had blown the slats out of his bed and he’d ended up on the floor again. The after shocks continued as a rutland soider ran over Danny’s back and Joe had leapt out of the room in search of a man. It also blew JayCee’s coins over.
Spike fresh from his slumber, came looking for a hair brush but was out of luck as the only mates available were baldies JayCee and Pedro.
At breakfast Joe, was reluctant to ask for another dab of brown, following his experience with the rutland spider. The brown sauce bottle eventually found it’s way up to him however. Spike finally turned up for breakfast after prising on his new pair of cycling pantees and then trying to flatten his hair into place. He hadn’t bargained on the static effect his pantees were creating.
The taxis turned up just as Chris ‘Flash’ Jackson arrived after completing his paper round. The lengths some folks go to to supplement the council pittance.
At the bike shop it was revealed that Joseph had negotiated the hiring with the wrong shop, but all turned out well eventually.
The bikes were tested around the car park before the obligatory photo shoot and we set off, gently at first, and gratefully over tarmac footpaths, as we all got used to the saddles. Stubbees saddle became twisted but he gritted his teeth like he always does and bore the brunt for most of the circuit. After 10 miles he was enjoying it but didn’t let on. Bill, almost back to his usual state of unfitness, couldn’t get used to getting his leg over. The thrill of it when you’ve been on your back for 6 months!!
After a long pull up to the Finches Arms and a long wait to get served, we sat basking in the sunshine in the beer garden admiring the views and enjoying our first pint of the day. Chris Flash J had gone awol, cycling a further 5 miles around the peninsular to get a sweat on.
The free wheeling back down the hill from the Finches was welcomed. Being used to a motorbike, Pedro finally discovered how to change the gears on his bike. At Egleton, Jacko took the lead and opted for a stint of bird watching. Sadly it was the feathered variety and we were told we were on the wrong track.
After another steep pull, the temptation to stop and sample a pint at the Horse and Jockey proved too great. The bikes were readily abandoned and 13 John Waynes settled down at the front of the pub.
The race was then on to return the bikes back within the allotted 4 hours to avoid a penalty and then up to the Wheatsheaf at Edith Weston for lunch. Ordering was a doddle unless your name was JayCee, who had difficulty getting served despite being the first to arrive.
After lunch several opted to return to the hotel for a shower and to watch a world cup game, taking grateful advantage of lifts offered by Dan the man and Mid week Tone. The remaining ‘never say die’ squad walked back. In the lounge the die hards arrived totally dehydrated. Keithee downed 3 pints of squash before he had the energy to acknowledge anyone.
The evening began with a further visit to the Grainstore where we brandished our nipples, before strolling down to the Indian. We were shown upstairs to a long table where it didn’t take long for Spike to find a window seat overlooking the street below. 2 minutes later he was prising open the sash windows and sat in the breeze enjoying the views below.
The food proved to be very good and Dasher read out some jokes he’d received on his phone as we relaxed afterwards. These were just a couple;
‘Dad, whats the difference between a *unt and a vagina’. The dad lifted the boy’s mother’s skirt up as she slept and pointed out her vagina. The boy asked if he could touch it. The father said ‘no son, you’ll wake the *unt up!!’
Snow White joke: There were 7 dwarfs in the bed feeling happy. Happy got out so they all felt grumpy.
Snow white thought 7 up was a drink.
Beckham during an after match interview was asked what he thought about the tactics. He replied that he thought they tasted minty. ‘No, you daft git, I said tactics, not tic tacs.’
As we left Pedro squashed a couple of after eight mints into his bright yellow glass case to take home as a treat for Joan. Tight bugger.
We returned for our final visit to the Grainstore where Roland chatted to us before getting a rocket off a grizzly barmaid. A display of real rockets then lit the sky signalling an end to the evening.
The following morning we left after breakfast. Pedro squashed a shower cap and some sugar lumps into his glasses case for Joan. She’s a very lucky lady!!
Next years venue is yet to be decided upon, but whispers of either somewhere near St Peters brewery in Suffolk, or Bishop Wells south of Shrewsbury have been heard from Joseph’s quarters but don’t tell him I heard him. Let him soak up the thanks first for organising this year’s excellent trip so well, including the hottest weather we’ve experienced so far.
Well done Joe,
Yupmeister
(enjoy yer baltis)
PS There were another couple of jokes including the ones about the Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman boasting about their conquests. This ended with a reference to hitting the roof when wiping something on the curtains. The other referred to cleaning teeth. It’s as well my memory fails me as these were too rude to repeat.