Up for it were:

Belcher Rob, Fryer Dave, Graham Cork, Jackson Keith, Horton Tim, Phillips Keith, Steve Morgan, Stevens Dave, Stubbs Dave, Sutton Tony, Tabbernor Bill, Tuohy Joe, Willis Steve. (Jaycee was unable to appear at the last minute)

12 o clock signalled the Brands Hatch start and away went the stoke boys straight into a traffic queue caused by a bad accident on the M6. Joe slipped into severe panic mode, but several texts and calls later to Yup who delayed the brewery visit by 10mins and the blood pressure came back down to normal. Unfortunately the minibus driver had done a runner as we were a bit late so we had no option but to jump into any available car or taxi to get to the brewery.

Joe had to be surgically removed from the rear seat of Keithee’s sports saloon and placed in front of the hotel bar for a pint, whereupon he put his feet up and relaxed. Meanwhile, Yup (who wasn’t organising this trip!) built up a hefty phone bill chasing up available taxi firms. There was only one taxi available. Pedro, Tone, and Yup drew the short straw and sped off in a taxi with ‘smelly’ the driver, and forking out £20 for the privilege. Tim had arrived from Stafford but there was no sign of JayCee. Apparently he’d been in the shower with Carol for some time in the morning and was now too knackered to appear.

We split into 2 or 3 groups for the visit round the brewery. The clever ones went first with Nancy giving themselves an extra 30 minutes drinking time at the end of the tour. The tour was thirsty work with a maze of steps in and around rooms containing each stage of the brewing process.

5 pumps were unleashed on the boys at the end, starting with a mild and working up to the haymaker. Nancy’s group was not only first but also last out, and armed with a plentiful supply of bottled ales to take home. Yup had put off phoning Mr Smelly until the last possible second. (It also meant he could slip another free pint down his neck). Armed with a barrowful of bottles, Pedro and Tone still managed to bag the back seats to keep their distance from Mr Smelly, and would you believe it, Yup had to face the prospect of a return journey back to the Kings Arms entertaining Mr Smelly in the front, yet again.

Back at the digs we settled in after some minor complications over the room allocation. Our bathroom was equipped with a shower but no support so a little ingenuity was required involving balancing in the bath with a bottle of shower gel in one hand and the other holding the shower head. Offers for someone to hold it for him were declined.

Spike arrived; having biked down after the 4 o’clock office release rush, slipped off his leathers and sat relaxed on the patio with a pint.

After a meal in the Kings Arms a luxurious coach arrived to whisk us away for the evening’s titillation at the Norman Knight pub complete with Wizard Ales microbrewery. There was to be no problem waiting for Joe and his stick this time. Spike however, true to form, had to move his bike, which was blocking in a Rover before we could set out. Should have left it.

Pedro’s brick was levered out of his pocket, so he could report home. ‘Hi darling, ok, yes I’m fine too, love you, bye xx’. There was a full 27pence credit on it, which was to last the rest of the remaining trip (and it did!).

A domino match amongst the locals meant that the promised hot meal arrangements had to be cancelled. However, butties and chips were at least provided as we smacked the table skittles round. It was obviously a rough area judging by the way the skittles were tied down to the table, so you couldn’t nick em.

The landlord invited us to have a quick gander at his brewery set up in the double garage at the back of the pub. Then it was back to the skittles, interspersed with frequent trips to the toilets to ogle the pictures on the walls.

At breakfast Pedro heaved his brick to one side so we could all sit down for breakfast. We were dead pleased he got served quickly whilst the rest of us waited and waited and waited for our breakfasts to show.

At last the walk began, starting from the digs, and moving down the road and across a playground, where we stuttered to a halt to check the map. It was a slightly misty start and becoming very warm and muggy throughout the morning. The perspiration appeared from the start. Assistance from the Royal Mail helped to guide us along the correct route, passing a basket of apples signed ‘Help yourself’, which Mid week Tone took advantage of. Now, you wouldn’t see that in Bentilee.

After a wander through the wilderness, not shown on the map, the intrepid explorers came across a rope swing in Whichford woods. Jacko boldly stepped forward and got his leg over (the stick). After hanging around for a while he dismounted, tearing off a strip from his trousers at the same time. Stevee M was next to try his luck, ably assisted by the rest who preferred to stand back and admire the acrobatic skills. Full marks to Stubbie who then followed, and with one giant leap aboard gave us a further thrilling display of a-jill-ity and aerobatics, ably assisted by Keithee who put him in a spin.

Once more we arrived at the Norman Knight Inn where a relieved landlord relieved us of £20 for the buffet that Joe had forgotten to mention we had to pay for. A rush then ensued to the gents to ogle the mammorial magnificence proudly displayed on the bog wall. 13 different fingerprints have so far been identified on the picture.

Continuing on a bit further we arrived at the Pear Tree, serving delicious Hooky pie and chips, and being the tap house for the local brewery, Hook Norton beers. Spike wasn’t taking any chances and went for the upmarket le samoo uncuke (raw salmon butties). With the effect of the beer and the hot sun, there were more hookers horizontal than vertical. Full marks to Stevee M for his combined vertical/horizontal collapsed pose across the picnic table.

Keithee beat Robbie Bee in the first ever, live, outdoor, action-packed, squarry club, chess match. Calls of ‘Get yer bishop out and I’ll show you my queen to finish you off’ could be heard during the game between Spike and Pedro. A long and boisterous debate over a 3-move checkmate ensued with Spike recounting the 2-move checkmate otherwise known as the Sahu Stitch-up.

Seduced by the beer, and the England/Australia test match on the telly in the pub, 6 hookers fell by the wayside and opted to catch the bus back to Chipping Norton. However, suitably refreshed by the beer and invigorated by the superb weather and after talks of extending the walk, the Magnificent Seven set off, with spirits high, to Great Rollwright. Steve Morgan, the horse whisperer, made friends with a local nag on route, and then continued on a wild goose chase when his charm and charisma let him down when fending off a goose that tried to rob him of his crown jewels.

The Magnificent Seven rested up in the peace and serenity of a church's grounds, only to miss the bus back to camp! They were, of course, intending to walk the whole 16 miles distance anyway! Spike won hands down for the loudest and longest in the last leg farting competition with a stentorious emission, resulting in several nervous members of the magnificent seven squarrites diving for cover and two local residents being treated for shock. The sound was likened to a roar from a marauding bull elephant in full battle rage. The competition, now over, did not prevent Spike from continuing to practice his technique throughout the night. The Guinness Book of Records has been informed.

The boys regrouped at 7.30 before a visit to the Red Lion Public Crèche. Grahams pint was off so we moved on to Checkers for a jug each of London Pride. A nine o clock curry at Café Le Raj was pre-booked for us by our landlord. It was to be the first in a long time that no wine was ordered. Much to the dismay of Keithee who could have been so easily swayed!! Jugs of water were requested instead but this request was obviously too confusing for one waiter who continued to serve up odd glassfuls on a whim.

A buzz began as talks of a Squarry brewery began and how we would run it. Suggestions for the job positions within the brewery stoked up imaginations including; Brewmeister Jacko, Premises manager Bill, Tone Marketing officer Promotions, Spike Sales, Yup Advertising webmeister and Chair, Joe: Quality Control, Steve – Transport, Tim Health and Safety, KP driver but no red wine.

Working overtime now, suggestions for the brewery name included Potters Ales or Squarry Ales and for the beers themselves “Me old china, Glazed Over and Bottom Knocker”.

Steve Morgan rose and thanked Joe for organising the trip, and Yup for his continued efforts. Little did he know that only a couple of weeks ago the whole trip was in jeopardy when Joe had somehow cancelled all room reservations during a brief telephone call with the landlord but somehow managed to retrieve the booking. Some say he can’t organise a piss up in a brewery. With that thought, he arranged 2 on the same day just in case.

Back towards the digs and a guard of honour saluted Joe into solitary confinement. In a magnanimous gesture and thoughtfulness for his fellow comrades, and to avoid another threesome with the two Keiths, he had chosen to move to the Fox Hotel for the night, (Where’s the Fox at’ I hear you say), where he had to endure a double bed all to himself. The rest of the gang toddled back to the Kings Arms for a lock-in. Of course, the last man standing was Graham at about 2:30. Rob Bee and Timmee came back to Yup’s, Tone’s and Pedro’s pad for a sneak look at a porno mag found on the top of the wardrobe. A cat followed them in. As they left, Tim wasn’t sure which pussy to take with him.

The landlord served breakfast next morning whilst mopping up the pools of water from the leaking roof during a thunderstorm. He had no time for individual payments by cheques or credit card so Joe, who had just returned to our hotel in the thunderstorm, tee hee, had to extract £30 from everyone and settle up.

We set off home in the pouring rain, getting held up again in the motorway queues. Well done Josephee; splendidly organised (with a little help from yours truly and mw Tone), and even the weather, and a fantastic way to celebrate the 50^th Office Walk. (We’re all now looking forward to your Kings Lyn walk and brewery trip next year, after you’ve checked it out of course!).

Cheers

Yupmeister

Click on Stubbie and spot the crack:

Incidentally, check out the following for the 2-move solution.