Lyes

LYES, LYES AND MORE LYES Friday 4^th June 2010
Up for it were: Yupmeister, Pedro, Granpop Bill, Keithee's up for it, JayCee, Dasher, Ali Gee, Sean of the County Wounties and for the first time - Stig of Kidderminster
We were counted in, all present and correct, as we waited for the train to Brum at 12.07 on the Stoke platform. West Midland’s day ranger tickets were purchased on the day at £16.80 providing us with free use of most Midlands trains for the day. Sean of the County Wounties arranged to meet up with us on route, whilst Stig was so in love with his new job that he agreed to meet up with us after the day shift was complete. Ali Gee sported his latest Billy cotton jacket which concealed a hundred pockets for pies; and Pedro was proudly showing off his latest shiny purple glasses case. Evidently you could squeeze around twenty five after eight mints into it with a push. It’s not surprising his eye sight appears to be worsening. Sean of the County Wounties just made the train connection having bought a more expensive day tripper ticket, although to be fair it did include buses (if we were to catch any). Despite the wonderful weather forecast which generally associates itself with a day out for the squarrites, Sean of the County Wounties sported a heavy coat throughout the day just in case it rained. Ye of little faith ….
	First stop was The Wellington in the centre of Brum, where pasties from the local pasty shop went down well along with a drink or two from the varied selection of ales, listed electronically on the wall. Dasher supped a dark raven at 4.5% without a dash, but at least drank it from a man’s glass; whilst Bill opted for a stronger ale but in a ladies glass !!
It was just a 5 minute stroll to Snow Hill Station where Keithee’s magnetic charm pulled in the totty on the platform, whilst Dasher got no sense whatsoever from a rather dapper looking business man. Cradeley Heath was only a short trip, from where we caught a bus within minutes to the infamous Old Swan, known as Ma Pardoes at Netherton near Dudley.
		As the bus approached, we stopped at a pelican crossing, where Dasher jumped up ready to dismount, when someone shouted, ‘You’d have thought a traffic engineer would know the difference between a pelican and a bus stop’. We eventually crossed the road and entered the doorway to our right into a spectacular front bar, which had an old cast iron stove and flue positioned in the middle of the floor, and an antique weighing machine in the corner which Ali Gee and Yup swiftly swerved on.
		The huge enamel mural of a swan on the ceiling was also impressive, which we admired when we finally sat down and looked up. The Old Swan, a real Black Country gem, is designated as a Grade II listed building dating from the 1860s and still brewing its own beer. Behind us a photo of Dorothy Pardoe, alias Ma Pardoe, was hung on the wall. She was the landlady for more than half a century and owned the pub until her death in 1984.
Old Swan, Dark Swan and a dark Bumble Hole were amongst the home brewed ales on tap. After soaking in the atmosphere for half an hour we discovered there was more to see than just the bar we were sitting in. A brief tour of the premises was given by the barman. The back yard where the mini brewery was in operation was like going back in time. Dasher danced on the Macclesfield stone setts proudly proclaiming that ‘when I was a lad I laid thousands of these’, prompting Ali Gee to mutter, ‘bloody hell youth, av a bigger dash in yer next pint’.
		In the lounge to the rear, JayCee sat with a large organ in front of him (in his dreams) emulating Russ Conway and appearing to rise from the depths as can be seen in the Blackpool Tower ballroom. Granpop Bill admired his balding bonce as he tinkled the ivories.
We eventually caught the bus back to Cradeley Heath, having just missed one, where options included catching a further bus to Lye, or taking a short stroll via Stevens Park. Not so short as it turned out!! Ah well, that’s Lyefe. It was roasting in the sunshine as we slogged up and down the hills, but thankfully only Sean of the County Wounties and Ali G were wearing coats. Finally we arrived at Lye and the Windsor Castle Inn near the station which didn’t impress, but at least we could rest our weary legs. Pressure was exerted by Yup to move on to the highly recommended Shovel just a couple of minutes away. As we set off, Stig arrived just in time to direct us but only to hear the subsequent groans ringing out as we arrived to a closed door. A few minutes later however, we were allowed in and faces lit up as a grand selection of beers was displayed in front of us.
	The ‘Rale Ale’ wall and the flags draped from the ceiling were impressive as was the ale.
	JayCee, meanwhile, was showing off a colourful condom he’d bought, which, if he folded several times, might just fit, loosely,
We were led a short distance to The Spice of Lyefe by Stig, and welcomed in by Abdul, only to find they weren’t licensed. Keithee and Stig volunteered to slip to the offie and came back with a fine selection of wine and lager. It wasn’t long before the wine was flowing, particularly in the direction of Keithee’s shirt as he attempted to help pour its contents around the table.
	The nans were hugemongous and amazingly even too big to get into Ali Gee’s mouth in one bite. I can’t lye, it was, overall, an excellent meal with great service. During the meal Jaycee received a call from Mrs Jaycee confirming the cost of her eye test and new glasses. Sean had to quickly give him the kiss of lyefe to bring him round. 5 minutes back to the station and we were on our way after bidding farewells to Stig. The conductor on the train was almost as happy as us spouting out jokes to anyone he came in contact with. Well, lyefe’s too short to be miserable, aint it.
So, a belting day out in the Black Country and a trip you can bet yer lyefe on, that we will repeat again in the near future. Yuppers (Could do with a lye down now youth) Original Timetable · 14.01 (14.32) Catch Worcester train disembarking at Cradeley Heath. Approx 14.25 (14.55) · 5 minute walk to catch a Travel West Midlands bus no 243 at stop CJ on Graingers Lane 14.39 to Netherton. (Buses every 15mins) · Approx 50 min stop at Ma Pardoes before catching bus 15.39 back to Cradeley Heath. http://www.quaffale.org.uk/php/brewery/174 or http://www.beerintheevening.com/pubs/s/20/20584/Old_Swan/Netherton · Either catch next train 16.25 to Lye or stroll through the wonderful Stevens Park before spending approx 45 minutes in The Shovel Inn http://www.pubsgalore.co.uk/pubs/38686/ and 45 minutes in the Windsor Castle http://www.windsorcastlebrewery.com/ before the indian at 6.30pm. · Return train back to Kidsgrove at 19.59 via Smethwick, Wolverhampton and Stoke.