Bowled Out

(Wed 13^th September 2006)

Venues:  The Railway Inn, 23 Castle St 01785 213030; the Stafford Bowling Club; and the Malabar restaurant   1-2 Water St.

Video 1        Video 2     Video 3     Video 4

Click on a video for the best of the action                                                Click pic for photos

Several BBC (Bowling Beer and Curry) broadcasts had been sent out; the transport was arranged, the indian was booked, the green was booked and the teams were finally ready.  Most importantly, the ale had been collected and delivered to the club.  Up for it were most of the Squarrites and the Sparklers.

The evening started for the Squarrites at a typical Stoke dump; Harry’s bar, arranged by Keithee in his new delegated role as Yup’s transport manager.  The minibus was booked for 4.30pm, or for two others 4.40pm!  Once the latecomers had climbed on board we set off.  The driver was a kind, patient chap and had no problem at all being held up for ten minutes or so.  He was even good enough to have modelled his looks on Keithee, an additional free service available to anyone booking the bus.

The driver made good time in getting the lads to Stafford, in fact such good time surprisingly nobody asked him to stop in the pits for a wee stop, and him being such an amiable chap, I’m sure it would have been no problem at all.  Although in defence to “dasher” some of the lads made a dash for it once off the bus.   Keithee then entered into tense ‘head to head’ ‘take no prisoners’ negotiations with the driver and paid in full up front.  Keithee was heard to say, ‘that was tough, but I think I got what I wanted’.  The driver threw the lads off next to a convenient chip shop which some walked past, including Yuppers and Ali G miraculously, who tried to convince every body including themselves that they were o.k. and didn’t really want any pies or chips.  The Railway Inn was literally only round the corner and was a fine venue with wide screen TV showing a cricket match (zzzzzzzzz), and guest beers.  Beardee, making his first appearance of the year, scored it a 1 out of 10, equalling ‘excellent’ in the world of real ale establishments.  Fine ales including Bombardier, Abbott, Bass, Deuchers for Yuppers and some Smooooth for the smoooth boys were consumed and chips shared out by Keithee and Stubbee with the lads by those who couldn’t resist.  The beardee boys headed out for the smooother surroundings of the Beardee garden to top up the old tan and talk tactics for later.  One query from one of the uninitiated was ‘Is the green flat?’  An immediate retort from um-pie-r Ali Gee came back ‘It will be when Yuppers has been on it’.  (Another tactic of course).  

Rob Belcher joined us to guide us through the Stafford everglades to the bowling club, and warnings were given out by Yuppers that he was a spie.

At the bowling club the two teams were formally introduced to each other; curiously Rob’s team were also decked out in their own shirts complete with team logo “RBBC”.  Many guesses were made as to the meaning of the shirt logo; repeatable ones being Rob Belchers Bowling Club and Rob Belchers Boozing Club.  Although they were both wrong the Boozing club appeared to be more accurate than the original version of ‘Rising Brook Boy’s Club’ by the end of the night.

The teams were selected and names chalked up on the team bored (I am now!) and battle commenced. 

Col and Keithee made a fine start for the Squarrites taking an enormous lead of 8-1.  But as they began to sober up the perspiring duo of Mick and John somehow summoned up enough strength to come in for the kill, and with a few lucky ends took the game 11-8. 

Spikelet and Giblett were unlucky with a 9-12 defeat against Keith and Ron, although Giblett’s ten pin bowling action would surely have won the ‘nobowl’ prize if it were to have been awarded.

Richee, in his smooth-bottomed dancing shoes, took the floor with partner Bolt from the Blue with a soft shoe shuffle.  Mark and Eddie were however adjudged to have won the heat with marks awarded for presentation and some fine moves, waltzing in at 8-5.

A display of amazing skills was displayed by the Beardee, handicapped partnered, by Ali Gee from Neck-end.  Used to hurling rocks Ali couldn’t quite get the hang of bowling lighter wooden bowls on the night, but together they thrashed George and Dennis 12-6.

The first round over and it was time to send in the second wave.  

50/50, 60/40 and 70/30, alias Craigee, Steve and Chris, settled into a fine rhythm after suffering the first hour sitting near to the barrels of ale, but picking up a few tips from watching the old wizard Beardee.  It paid off as they made a marvellous draw against Bob and Chris, 9-9, or should it have been 50-50?

Brockie and Mo-Who were thrashed 13-6 by Nick and Barry.  I can’t understand what went wrong there.  I can only think that they were too polite to take advantage or that the distance they had travelled over the day had proved too much.

Stubbee, only previously used to chucking, was assisted in the fine art of bowling by Granpop Billee, trafficking a fine draw 7-7 against Steve and Ian.

Triglett pitched a few bowls around the green until Steve Machine explained it just wasn’t cricket.  Trig confirmed he had been making a gate recently during his retirement and his wife had decided to make a bolt for it!!  He was stumped.  Dave and Karl came from under covers to just take the game 17-14.

I’d like to say it was a gripping end to end match between Yup and Mid week Tone, and Robbee and his dad fast Eddy, but unfortunately there were no sparks flying, except for Rob.  The eagle eyed Eddy had taught Robbee well and the secret tactics of moving Yup’s pint of ale in between ends and insisting the bowling match be organised on a Wednesday had upset Mid-week Tone and had obviously gone to plan.

After much clanking of bowls and bowels, the results on the board showed a comprehensive defeat for Yuppers’ barmy army.  Although the edited photographed evidence may show a different result, thanks to Spikelet.  The final result of 6-1 failed to disguise the close run points score of 97-75 and the rub of the green.  Other excuses included playing away from home, the bald patches on the green, the undulating, uneven and sloping areas, the lack of rain, and the missing experience of our absent bowlers including Dasher who had become a casualty only a day before the match.  His hands had swollen after polishing his bowls for too long and now needed to get a grip of himself.

With the exception of Beardee’s fine performance Yup’s ship had sunk.  The weeks of training (well one quick session in a pub the week before) had failed to pay off, although it had come in handy when emptying the titanic boxes at the end of the night.  The boxes of Iceberg and White Star had proved a tremendous success for the squarrites (more so than the bowling) and were ably sucked dry at the end by Richee and Ali Gee; after which it was time to make tracks to the curry house.

A long table had been laid out for us at the Malabar restaurant.  The pappodoms were served immediately and the main courses, which had been previously been pre-ordered were bought out soon after.  The service and food were superb.  My ‘fairly hot’ Rezela tarkari was spot on.

An excellent choice Rob, well chosen and thanks for placing the orders.  All were impressed, especially Moonbeam who finished every last grain of rice before allowing the waiter to take his plate away at the third attempt.

The bill was ably sorted out by the transport manager after asking around for a calculator.  Moon Beam said he’d always had problems finding his calculator on his mobile, but he found it easy to download a picture of a cat!!  Very useful in these situations.

Finally it was home time.  The squarrites assembled at the designated assembly point but there was no bus.  It did eventually turn up half an hour late and it was good to see that the driver had managed to remain his happy jovial self.  Craigee did take issue with his late coming and decided that he would issue a bowllocking.  So, we had a situation where Craigee who was originally late, was now going to bowllock the bus driver for being late!  mmhmm.  The lot of a transport manager is not a happy one, me thinks.  Fifty yards from the Stoke drop off the bus swerved under late instructions from hijackers; Craigee and Richee up to Penkhull, only to go back to Stoke, then Castle, via Penkhull again.  By this time Keithee awarded himself the George cross valour and well deserved too.

It had been a fine barmy sort of night with only a few drops of rain falling whilst we were in the restaurant.  The Stafford gnats had been out and had taken great delight in nipping everyone especially Beardee who got a pearler on his temple.  Or did he prick himself when orchestrating the sing-song on the coach back?

Congratulations and thanks must be given to every member of the Sparklers for making it such a memorable occasion and in particular Rob, his dad Eddy, and the Club for putting up with us.  The night wasn’t really about winning (well we would say that now wouldn’t we?) but meeting another great set of guys.  Keep the ‘DREGS’ cup polished chaps and in good condition please as we’ll be taking a closer look at it next year.  Commiserations to my fine army of Squarrites who should be very proud of their first bowling performance.  Here’s to the next time!

Cheers

Yupmeister and Ali Gee (a collaboration)

(enjoy yer baltis and yer pies)