NEW ROYAL BALTI

24 February 2006

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15 Squarrites were up for it:

The evening started with all squarrites pampering and preening themselves in their respective scattered hovels, following a long, but largely pleasant, day’s toil to earn sufficient funds to support the feasting addiction.

Keithee ‘I’m up for it’ and Yupmeister boarded one of the select Westbury carriages only to find D C’een and M C’een huddled together on the back seat, allegedly to maximise the distance to cost ratio of their ride.  Upon arrival at the Newcastle bus terminal separate groups of squarrites were seen to converge on to the Audley Explorer stand.  Most had arrived, as planned, and boarded the explorer by 18:08.  The explorer, about to set off, was then halted by the late arrival of Victor Meldrew, who had attempted to disguise himself as Mid-week Tone, only to be greeted by the blinding flash of cameras from the papparatsi, who were not easily duped.  The journey, although slow, was comfortable but within minutes of setting off the call of “Craigee wants a wee” echoed around the cabin.  No one seemed to know where they were, not even the much-travelled Pedro, who advised the group “this area was one of my hunting grounds”.  Fortunately the pilot new our destination and dropped us all in the middle of the Bignall-end road works, adjacent to the Plough at 18:35.

The much-heralded Plough was taken by complete surprise by the onslaught of desperate boozers.  Having never had to serve more than two gentle folk per evening they were slow to pick up the required serving speed, resulting in some squarrites not being attended until 18:50.  It was only the timely intervention of the Silver Bear who stood at full height and pronounced, “Aye-up youth, I am a local” that enabled some stragglers to be served.  The quality of the ales on offer, were however, quite delightful and the squarrites appeared to indulge in what was described as an attempt at self-drowning.  Triglett arrived at 18:52 to join the festivities, after being dropped off by Mrs Triglett, and making sure he did not get called up to buying a round.  The time came all too soon to advance to the next venue, the Mucky Duck.

The Black Swan was a friendly pub with a good selection of fine ale and a better than average standard of service.  One of the locals advised that there is a beer festival at Porthill Cricket Club on 17 March 2006.  A quick pint downed and it was time to move on to tonight’s beer festival at the football club, only a short stroll away.

The venue, as with most beer festivals, was packed, but the squarrites with their own individual techniques of un-ceremoniously barging their way to the bar, were soon guzzling.  The Silver bear threw the bar staff into disarray by ordering two pints of Ibstock Brick.  It’s OK, he is a student.  D C’een and M C’een were spotted violently devouring respective pork pies, without the compulsory singing of the “Who ate all the Pies” song.  As punishment Ali Gee made a bid for a tray of pork pies and they were forced to watch the swarve and gentlemanly partaking, of the diced pork pie, by the other Squarry club members.  M C’een was later seen coming back from the toilet and said “its bigger than I thought it was”.  It’s OK he was a student recently.  Craigee 50-50 said “you cannot beat Iceberg youth”; yet another converted lager boy!  Joe managed to acquire and devour the last pint of Bishops Finger so it was time to leave.

The curry-guzzling venue for the evening; the New Royal Balti, was booked for 21:15.  As the New Royal Balti does not hold an alcohol licence, the squarrites descended on to the local off-licence, who, tipped off, had recruited extra serving staff to meet the onslaught.  The punctual arrival of squarrites at the New Royal Balti was greeted by “Oh bugger, we are not ready yet” (spoken in the Audley dialect of Hindu).  “Can you come back in 15 minutes?”.  The squarrites at the head of the column quickly departed and headed for the nearest pub for a quick drink, while some squarrites, having broken formation, wandered around aimlessly, and one small, but dedicated group, stayed behind to guard the house.

Seats secured, Red wine (mmm Red wine) and beer at the ready, the meals were ordered.  Pedro and Picasso, even after strict instructions to the contrary, ordered their usual Chicken Chat, but with the assertions that their controversial deviation from the game plan was not to delay the arrival of the main meals, as the last carriage was to leave Audley at 23:00.  The Curry Captain averted all-out mutiny by insisting that he could provide private transport to Newcastle for less than a pound per head.  The food soon arrived and the evening then descended into the usual drunken debauchery.

The squarrites, now p…ed and well fed, paid up and made for returning home.  Mr Tahoohigh, realising his bus was due, searched his pockets and left a £20 note on the table to settle up.  If he’d have known he was about to miss the bus back to the Plough by 15 seconds and have to make a run for it, he’d have ……………

Mrs P yet again arrived on time to collect Keithee ‘I’m up for it’ and promptly advised him that he was p…ed again.  Being smart he quickly responded to the attack by stating that “I am not as drunk as some thinkle peep I am”.

The Silver Bear, in his natural habitat, sloped off to his warm and inviting cave with the intention of hibernating until Monday morning.  A Jethro Tull album comes to mind ‘To be thick as a brick’.  It’s a mistake anyone could have made, even Mr Tahoohigh !!

The remaining 12 slipped outside to see a 10 seater minibus arrive.  The driver panicked as he could see his licence being stripped off him by the fuzz if he were to get caught being overloaded.  To keep him happy, D Ceen and M Ceen kept their heads down at the back and slid around the back of the van at every turn, like the bobsleighers seen in the recent winter Olympics.

The drivers face brightened up as the load lightened, driving all round the Wrekin and dropping everyone off near their respective homes.  Triglett was the last to dismount at the Brown Jug where Mrs Triglett was waiting ready to grind her organ.

Life doesn’t get much better!     

Yours

Keithee ‘I’m up for it’

PS      All thoughts to Grand pop Bill who is still stuck in hospital but is alleged to be champing at the bit to head for recuperation and physiotherapy at the Haywood Hospital for out of form squarrites.  He is not too fussed about work but is concerned that the cricket season may start without him.

PPS    Latest News - Bill returned home Wed 1^st March