The Mystery Christmas Squarry Night of Friday 10^th December 2004 revealed:

The evening started early for some squarrites who met up in Harry’s bar around 4 ish, since the Yupmeister had arranged for the "chariot of fire" to collect them in Stoke. The boys displayed admiral control and only supped a couple of pints of Directors before Spikelet blew the whistle and we set off for the bus followed by three border collies and a herd of sheep.

On arrival at the Westbury Tavern (centre of the universe) the remaining squarrites were well embedded and a bonus ale or two was necked. A sombre’ro Pedro brightened up after having had a catastrophic day, losing his pussy. Yupmeister had arranged for Adnams Broadside to be put on to cheer him up, mmmh, while we all got together for a roll call before the adventure proper could begin. Anxious calls on the DCeen (his wallet)’s mobile tracked down Mceen his dads wallet in the middle of a traffic jam on the M6. Directions were given, under the threat of death if the destination was revealed, so that Mceen his dads wallet could meet up with us later.

So with 29 of us aboard the chariot headed out of Westbury Park in a northerly direction which immediately put paid to the hopes of squarrites who had guessed southern venues from the most weird set of clues ever, likened to clues the Riddler used to set for Batman in the sixties series. Even Yupmeister’s ever-willing assistant, Midweek Tone, didn’t understand them and he knew where we were going! More worrying though for Beardee, the "chuck" wagon was heading towards Ali G’s neck-end. Christmas lights adorned houses on all sides of the road, except near neck-end of course, where they had all been stolen. The cheers and groans began as the coach headed west then north, this way and that way. Ronnie, our driver for the night played his part up front, steering the psychedelic spray express through the traffic lights at Talke (the only lights remaining in the neck end area ! ), and headed for the Cheshire border, much to the relief of Beardie.

It was now obvious that no one really knew where we were going, and judging from his clues neither did Yupmeister. Anyway the bus finally pulled into the first mystery pub, the Bulls Head at Smallwood, and as promised the pre-ordered pints were waiting for the lads to neck, along with Mceen his dads wallet. What luck us travelling north. The ales included Coach House Flintlock and the seasonal Everards Sleighbells. Beardie of course had the Tetley Cask with 2 dashes and the lager boys had ……..

The Beardee boys, along with honorary Beardee boy for the evening, Heavy Steve Machine, made a beeline for a room with a sign over the door that said ladies. Unfortunately it was another "red herring" as it led to the bogs.

So back on the wheels of fire it was time for Yup to announce the winner of the competition. In reverse order, DCeen (his wallet) was 4^th with Buxton. Mo ‘who’ was 3^rd with Manchester. 2^nd place went to Beardie with Macclesfield. And in top position was Spikelett with Middlewhich, 9 miles out, but the nearest nevertheless. Spikelet obviously used his lateral thinking skills to the best advantage, or he did what he usually does……….the opposite to everybody else; anyway, no one was bitter in the slightest.

To his own relief, Midweek Tone quickly explained a further mystery of an anonymous email ruse, which had been sent to Yup 2 days previous by a mystery squarrite aimed at confusing the Yupmeister. Despite untold explanations, the confusion still continues, and not just for Yuppy. The true explanation is perhaps best being told on a future squarry night, after a pint or two. Did Beardie truly guess Macclesfield, or did he correctly guess the actual locations??

The destination had still not been revealed as Ronnie trundled us out from The Bells down the cobbled lane and headed this time in a northeasterly direction. Having exhausted his orienteering skills Dceen waited until we were in the High Street of Knutsford before finally guessing the correct destination at the fiftieth attempt.

The luxury, unsoiled, bus dropped us off in the High Street and the boys filed in to the curry house, Shamoli, and into the bog featured in the Yupmeister’s clues; a bit of a tight squeeze with a strange feeling of déjà vu. It must have been all those hours of staring at the clue.

The Indian was only one of two in Knutsford. Having tried and tested both of them during his many reckies, Yup had chosen this one for the quality of the food and service, but not for the décor or size of bog. A special mention and thanks have to go to Mo ‘who’ for supplying us all with the very nicest, finest, bottles of red wines that graced each table and in plentiful supply! So well done Mo ‘who’ and thanks from us all. Triglett needed more wine of course, and duly ordered the dearest cabernet shiraz for keithy ‘who was on for it’. Delays were inevitable, and always will be, when a group of 30 descend on a restaurant. 99% of the squarrites accepted this except Dceen ‘his starter’ who, totally out of character, was wound up into a frenzy by his son (as if he needs it), and was heard to lay into the waiters on several occasions.

Once fed the lads headed out into the town for the last pint, luckily there was a real ale pub handily placed across the road, with two handily placed planters outside. Overall the food had been good except for two of the curries containing "the Alien". Sure enough, as per the script, they didn’t intend hanging around for long inside Stubbie’s (ably supported by Yup) and Keithie’s stomachs, and went for the early spray. One of the planters was particularly handy for Joe to wrestle up chucker Dave Stubbs into, with proposals of marriage, and the other came within easy reach of Keithee (I’m upchuck in for it) to unload the other Alien into. Knutsfords hopes of winning or taking the title of best town in bloom competition took a nosedive, when Chuckie nose-dived into the plant pot for the second time.

Squarrites in the past have made reference to Phil’s (Wock n Woller) matrix style jacket, but as usual the truth will out. It is nearer to Oliver than Matrix since it contained a few items of "loot", such as popadom dishes and ale glasses; all he was short of was a dog called "Bullseye".

And with that it was on to bus and the run back home, with an additional lap around Knutsford to collect those who couldn’t manage to get on the bus the first time. Col (George Formby kid) plucked away in magnificent form on his ukulele at the back of the bus and the singing began. Beardee took on his familiar role of bus conductor (Scottie, who’s still married’ probably impersonated On the buses Butler at this stage?) using a knife supplied from the jacket of Phil Sykes and orchestrated the engineer’s songs. The best song was of course Delilah! Ronnie began to get nervous seeing the glistening knife being wielded by the maestro (or was he a wild rover?) reflecting in his rear view mirror, and attempted to play a Max Bygraves tape to calm things down. Failing miserably he looked on desperately as we headed south, with Rob ‘Sparky’ and Yupmeister restraining Butlers movements.

A taxi had been pre-arranged for Nig elf and Ian Seeweed but this was cancelled at the death and Ian’s dad picked them up instead. A limousine was pre-ordered for Ali G and Argee Bargee which disappeared into the darkness of neck end. The natives eyes lighting up the sky as they hurled bricks at it and reshaped it into a rover.

Joseph was kicked out at Cross Heath and could be seen falling into privet hedges. Triglett, still on autopilot from when he was previously accepted into Westbury Park, followed Beardie and Yupmeister into the Brackens where he pretended he was being picked up by an organ grinder.

Was it the best ever mystery night, n h a a a ………..wait till next year. Craigee gave it the thumbs up though with a 100 out of 100, but may change his mind in the near future. Perhaps we may have to return to the ‘easy-clean’ seat type wagons provided by Rosevilles next year. Perhaps we should have a Squarrite Charter for next year? :

Thou shalt not nick stuff

Thou shall exercise politeness and restraint in restaurants and pubs

Thou shalt not chuck up

and

Thou shalt not wield a knife

Any others?

Thou shalt not have starters? oooooooooh

Whatever, see ya next year, perhaps.

Indian Ratings:

Service                      ***

Quality of food         ****

Cost                           ****

Size of nans              **     (Excellent quality though)

Cleanliness               ***