The proposed gathering in the garden of Wetherspoons was sadly out of bounds, or was it? Phil H has a thing about Wetherspoons?? So prenuptials were partaken at the Hogs. The Abbott and array of other real ales was as delightful as usual and eased our rapacious thirsts. The distress appeared on one or two faces as the clock ticked by and the stomachs began to rumble. Some of us had consumed a child’s portion of spaghetti bolognese before setting out, just in case we were late! Finally, we had made it to the oldest Indian in Newcastle. The elusive Koh-I-noor, or Koo I nuer as we locals call it, had become yet another notch on our belts. My belt has shrunk over the years having had so many notches engraved into it!!
The Kooi staff welcomed us with open arms. The food was excellent and prepared to a very high standard. The choices were extensive, including chilli rice. Phil B won’t be trying that again in a hurry after sampling a wee portion which blew his head off.
Our insatiable hungers were now satisfied. Where was Pedro? Too many chats in a week? We didn’t have any chats, honestly, but we were swayed by Phil’s traditional consumption of wine.
Stevey M devoured as many chillies as he could get hold of. He was after a hot night and following the meal he dragged reluctant Trigg into the heart of the town.
Steve’s recollection of the following few hours goes something like this:
‘Just to inform you of myself and Trigg's whereabouts on Wednesday after leaving the Koh-i. We took leave of Pablo Franki's since it was full of blokes and finally nested in Fluid.
Trigg made numerous comments on the sheer " quality and quantity " of the abundance of young attractive ladies. It made a fitting end to the evening as Trigg will probably agree since he was rooted to a spot at the bar with a silly little boy look on his face as a young piece of fluff gyrated upon his frontal area. When I finally managed to drag him away - before his trousers got damp - Trigg frequently commented on the " quality and quantity " of the afore mentioned young lovelies, all the way home in the taxi.’
The editor of the bugle accepts no liability, whatsoever, for the contents hereof, in particular any reference made to Trig.
A return to neck-end for their annual hog-fest is set up for wednesday 30th July. ‘You’ll need yer dagger for yer ‘og as they say in neck-end. Baffled?? read on ………. An extract from their curry chronicle:
So where is Neckend?
Some say it’s Longton way and of course they’re right, but to anyone from in and around the civilised world of Castle, true Neckend begins at Boslem. Venture further North and it degenerates further passing through Tunstall until you reach a sleepy little backwater called Kidsgrove where the real decline sets in. To anyone from castle it’s like going back in time into the dark ages, a real shock to the system when entering for the first time.
So what’s it like?
There you’ll find a very primitive little hamlet not for the Architecturally aspired. The little mud and straw huts provide for luxurious accommodation for the local inhabitants or ‘Neckenders’. The unmade tracks provide for ample grip for their four legged modes of transport. The ‘Neck and End Canal’ is situated at its heart. This provides for much needed nourishment for the locals who can readily scoop the dead fish from the surface of the stagnant water.
So what do they do?
During the day when they’re tired of eating the fish, the menfolk go a hunting for the hogs with their home made spears. When successful the whole of Neckend celebrates with a hog roast cooked on the open fire and a jug of ale from the local hostelry. Speaking of which, the local pub provides their evenings entertainment. It’s not quite what we’re use to in Castle with bright lights, music, fit young tarts and of course the fine selection of smooth beers. This is a very seedy place with sawdust and straw floors and furniture made from pieces of flotsam and jetsam found washed up in the local cut. As for the local brew, I’ve tried it and it must be made from a mixture of fermented Hogs urine and stagnant canal water it’s really not for the faint hearted. The locals seam to enjoy it though but then they don’t really know any different.So what of the people, who would really live in such a place?
A neckender is unlike anyone you’ve ever seen before except perhaps in very old black and white movies. They are very backward and simple people. They have to be tough to live there. The men look like rag and bone men with staw hats, unwashed and unshaven. The women are just dogs.
So why are you been told all this. Well it’s because the next Squarry outing is to be at Neckend. A group of Indians have moved into the outskirts of Neckend and have opened a Balti Restaurant. This has confused the locals who have never seen a restaurant before, nevermind an Indian and so keep well clear. The Indians are trying to coax in the local Neckenders by creating some new dishes such as popadogs, Doggie Kebabs and Hog roast tikka masala, The balti dish should come as no surprise to a neckender as they are use to eating from round bowls they carve out of tree stumps. Cutlery would pose a problem to them though.
For those who came to the last outing to Neckend, they’ll know what to expect but for those venturing for the first time please note the following. Don’t dress up too much or they’ll think you’re a Nancy boy and they don’t like them. Don’t wash or put on any deodorant or aftershave instead rub your hands and face in soil or coal dust even better if you have solid fuel heating. Don’t use long words or sentences, keep it simple and short. Grunting is good. Remember to spit on the floor at least every few minutes. Try to fit in, I know it will be difficult but it’s for your own good. Finally don’t bring any pets with you of any description or you’ll regret it. Have a good night.
The 2003 Hog Hunting Squad
Pony and traps will be leaving the Westbury ale-ouse at 6.15pm, depending on numbers. Let me know if you want a ride. First stop will be the Red Bull watering ole on the A34 at 6.30pm. A gentle ‘150m’ amble following the stream of stagnant water takes us to the Bluebell. For those on smoothflow, a boarded up hovel exists on the opposite side of the canal to the Bluebell.
It’s several years since we last tried the Rose in Kidsgrove. Rumours however, are that its not so good these days so we may return to the Arena. To avoid the neck-end curfew, pony and traps will be returning for us around 11pm. 
Next months suggestions include:
· The re-named Al Shieks at Shelton preceded by a sup at the Norfolk Inn
or
· A visit to Crewe and the Lime light club, using temporary coaches from Stoke Station.
· Phil B asking for a bacon buttie with no rind and crusts. He got his crust deserve.
· A Titanic trip to Boslem organised by Dave C through Ceram ending with a curry at the Sahki on Waterloo Rd. Pedro was seen chatting the guide to death while we scraped the barrel for the last dregs of ale. Lets hope he does the same when he organises the Audley brewery trip due in the Autumn,
· Pedro assisting his converted future son-in-law, Andy, to his feet following his consumption of 3 pints of real ale on the Titanic trip.
· Tony’s garden floating away during recent rainstorms, which came when Phil went to Llandudno and I was left to water the plants, and feed the missing fish!!??
Best Regards
Yupmeister
PS It has been noticed that recent bills have been getting steeper so from now on we pay for drinks as we order . In neck-end they’l probably pay us for visiting.
PPS Anyone watched delhi belhi yet on the UK food channel on saturdays. Tune in to see Rez visiting various areas of India and getting excited over curry dishes and recipes.
PPPS Fancy an evening class??
Get your name down for evening classes for the next term at college. PB is contemplating enrolling on the wine tasting appreciation course, followed on the same evening by a relaxation course. If that ones full he’ll try to get onto the smoothflow appreciation course instead.
